(SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: (to SARUMAN) Now remember you promised to make this show less racy.
SARUMAN (VO): Hmph. How can they even be racy when none of my guests will admit the obvious truth?
SOPUH: Give it a rest. But please remember, the show is at stake. Don't be a perv.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Welcome one and all! It is time for yet another thrilling episode of "Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!" Woo hoo! We sure are excited for today's show because we have a super secret SURPRISE guest!
SARUMAN (VO)
I am not surprised. The audience isn't either.
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh you. You're just bitter it isn't a certain...hobbit.
SARUMAN (VO)
I...am...not.
RADAGAST (VO)
You're just always looking for a pervy story, but today you really can't do it.
SARUMAN (VO)
Hrmph. We...shall......see.
RADAGAST (VO)
But you know what the network said, Saruman! Now really, I'm surprised at you.
SARUMAN (VO)
But not surprised at the surprise guest?
RADAGAST (VO)
You rascally old curmudgeon!
(SARUMAN winces audibly.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh I heard that! But heavens to Betsy! Just look at me ramble on! Well folks, it's time to give a nice, warm, frothy welcome to our one and only (sinister) host, Saruman!
(SARUMAN enters with a dour look on his face and sits at the morbid Orthanc desk.)
SARUMAN
Yes. Today we have...a "surprise" guest. Now I'm going to spoil the surprise...Our guest is none other than the famous poet and songwriter...Tom Bombadil.
RADAGAST (VO)
Ooooh I love his songs! Do you think he would autograph my copy of his CD?
SARUMAN
You are a twit.
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh! Speaking of which, it's time for our first commercial break! Great timing too, I might add.
SARUMAN
But I'm not finished introd—
RADAGAST (VO)
We'll be back momentarily. Ta ta!
(Scene fades in with TOM BOMBADIL dancing down of forest trail amidst loud, cheerful music. FATTY BOLGER does voice-over.)
FATTY (VO): Available today for the very first time is one special offer you don't want to miss! Now exclusively for you die-hard fans out there comes an exciting album from one of our most beloved musicians and songwriters.
TOM: (singing) Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow;
Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.
FATTY (VO): That's right folks! Tom Bombadil himself is releasing his greatest hits of all time! Old favorites like "Hop along the Withywindle," "Ballad to Goldberry" and the ever beloved "Ring a Dong Dillo."
TOM: (singing) Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!
Ring a dong! Hop along fa lal the willow!
Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!
FATTY (VO): This collector's edition album, complete with autographed jacket art can now be YOURS! Besides the golden oldies, Tom is also introducing a few new songs including "Old Man Willow (Reprise)," "Badger-Brock," and "Let the Song Begin."
TOM: (singing) Now let the song begin!
Let us sing together!
FATTY (VO): Speaking of singing, this unique album also features a Bombadil classic, "Call to Tom," redone in a lovely choral arrangement by the famous Hobbiton choir!
(HOBBIT CHOIR fades in as TOM dances by them. THEY wear matching forest-green choir robes and large HIDEOUS HAIRBOWS around their heads. Said BOWS are too big to be allowed, and every choir member, including the MEN, is wearing them.)
HOBBIT CHOIR: Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!
By water, wood and hill, by the reed and willow,
By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us!
Come, Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!
FATTY (VO): Is your need near YOU yet? It certainly should be! Order "Ring a Dong Dillo" today and treasure it for years to come!
(TOM flashes a smile toward the camera and dances away merrily.)
FATTY (VO): But that's not all! Order now and you can get a FREE pair of yellow boots and your very own river-daughter so that you too can share in the magic that is "Ring a Dong Dillo." Supplies are limited, so order now!
(Scene and music fade out slowly with HOBBIT CHOIR waving goodbye to TOM BOMBADIL.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Well now that serves as a marvelous introduction for our guest.
SARUMAN
I was supposed to give the introduction. But fine. Fine. Week after week I get cut out of my own show...
RADAGAST (VO)
(pertly)
Now don't be a bugaboo.
SARUMAN
Don't ever call me that again. Git. Now, introducing the man of the hour, a being of ambiguous descent whose poetry and music is said to touch so many (but touch certain hobbits in particular), Tom Bombadil!
(TOM BOMBADIL enters in a sprightly manner as a PERSNICKETY PICCOLO is piped. HE sits in spindly chair next to morbid Orthanc desk.)
SARUMAN
Hello Tom.
TOM
Hello, good day dear Saruman!
Whose beard is white and robe is tan!
SARUMAN
It's WHITE...
RADAGAST (VO)
(in an undertone)
Ecru...
SARUMAN
(gives RADAGAST a withering stare, then proceeds)
So, you've released your greatest hits plus some new songs...
TOM
Now, now dear Saruman, the faintly ecru,
Goldberry said releasing them would be the best thing to do.
SARUMAN
Hmm. Goldberry. Seems like a convenient excuse.
TOM
Excuses don't befit one such as Bombadillo,
Of what do you speak, Old Man Willow?
SARUMAN
What?!?
TOM
(to SARUMAN, grandly)
What be you a-thinking of?
You should not be waking.
Eat earth! Dig deep! Drink water! Go to sleep!
Bombadil is talking!
(A pause.)
SARUMAN
I fail to see how that was pertinent. Well, at any rate, we shall not be eating earth on today's program.
RADAGAST (VO)
Well then what's the dish today, Old Man Willow?
SARUMAN
I WILL smite you.
TOM
Hey dol! merry dol! Ring a dong dillo!
Don't you be a-smiting, Old Man Willow!
SARUMAN
(stands up)
I WILL NOT stand for this!
TOM
Be a-sitting down now, Old Man Willow!
Says Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo.
SARUMAN
If you promise to stop speaking in verse!
TOM
Now don't be such a sour peevish kind of fellow!
Be happy like Bombadil, whose lucky boots are yellow!
SARUMAN
This...is...maddening! I'd rather have Gollum back.
TOM
Poor old willow-man, tuck your roots away!
SARUMAN
Stop calling me that, you fool! Now, the food I will prepare today is—
RADAGAST (VO)
Commercial break! No time!
SARUMAN
But—
RADAGAST (VO)
Be back sooner than you can say "Ring a Dong Dillo!"
(Scene fades into reveal a dungeon. ELLADAN and ELROHIR are chained together in a cell. FIGWIT stands guard.)
ELLADAN: Hello once again! Although we are in a somewhat compromised situation...
ELROHIR: ...we will continue to make and sell our wildly popular Legolas Sex Slaves!
ELLADAN: You may wonder why we're stuck in a cell right now...
ELROHIR: Thranduil. Quite a temper, that one.
ELLADAN: He's mad we made his son a Sex Slave, so he had us kidnapped and imprisoned.
ELROHIR: Sure makes me wish we had a hobbit around with a magic ring...
ELLADAN: But fear naught! Where there is a will, there is definitely a way...
ELROHIR: And lots of bribes for the guard.
FIGWIT: (big smile) Sometimes I wear the Legolas Schoolgirl Costume for fun!
(ELLADAN and ELROHIR exchange HORRIFIED LOOKS.)
ELLADAN: Anyway, we thought we'd address an issue that has come to our attention concerning Legolas Sex Slave...
ELROHIR: It seems that there is a bug in the Legolas MPreg Kit. We have received many letters telling us that not only are the gestation periods for Legolas babies getting shorter, there is a malfunction which causes Legolas Sex Slave to have twins and even triplets...
ELLADAN: Causing a multitude of baby Legoli. This is a bit of a problem, as the software was designed to give owners of Legolas Sex Slave one to two children at most.
ELROHIR: As means of demonstrating this malfunction, our guard has brought in his pregnant Legolas Sex Slave.
(FIGWIT grins madly as he presents a pregnant LEGOLAS DOLL and helps deliver the LEGOLAS BABY.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Ow, labor, having a baby, ow, ow.
FIGWIT: My very own elven baby!
ELLADAN: Say, Figwit, would you mind untying us so we could...er, help?
FIGWIT: I don't think Thranduil would like that.
ELROHIR: What are you doing here anyway? Aren't you supposed to be in Imladris?
FIGWIT: Fake elves don't have to follow the rules!
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Ow, ow, having another baby, ow.
FIGWIT: Oh goodness, another one already?
ELLADAN: Hence the bug in the program...
(LEGOLAS DOLL starts having babies continuously.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Ow! Baby! Having! Ow, ow!
ELROHIR: Well, to ameliorate this bug, we would like to introduce Legolas Sex Slave Birth Control!
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Ow! Babies! More, ow, in labor.
ELLADAN: And we ask everyone to send their defective MPreg Kits back to us, and we will fix them.
ELROHIR: And concerning the multitudes of babies, we were considering having you all send them back to us, but then we realized we didn't very well know what to do with them.
ELLADAN: So instead we want you to send them to Thranduil.
FIGWIT: Oh no! He will be positively infuriated!
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Ow, must...stop...having...BABIES.
FIGWIT: Gah! Now there are eighteen of them!
ELLADAN: Speaking of infuriated, please untie us!
FIGWIT: No can do.
(Suddenly ARWEN rushes in wielding HADHAFANG. There is stunned silence for a moment. Then LEGOLAS DOLL goes back into labor.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) OWWWW!
ARWEN: Guess what, Figwit?
FIGWIT: (tentatively) What?
ARWEN: (brightly) Fake swords don't have to follow rules either!
FIGWIT: Meaning?
ARWEN: Time to chop up some fake elf!
(FIGWIT screams ridiculously as a chase between the two ensues. ELLADAN and ELROHIR take advantage of the moment and move toward the cell door.)
ELLADAN: Oy, Arwen!
(As FIGWIT and ARWEN run by again, she cuts through the lock with HADHAFANG.)
ELROHIR: Thanks! So...buy your Legolas Sex Slave Birth Control today! Guaranteed to work, fake elf or not!
ELLADAN: And send the Legolas babies to pissy Thranduil!
(FIGWIT starts to chase ELLADAN and ELROHIR as ARWEN follows behind him, while LEGOLAS DOLL continues having babies. Scene fades out in chaos.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Huh. Elvish Birth Control. I ought to write that one down...
SARUMAN
You mean to tell me that YOU of all people own a Legolas Sex Slave?
RADAGAST (VO)
Nooo...
TOM
What be we cooking today, Mr. Sarumanny?
Some crumpets hot and jam, or perhaps some hard salami?
SARUMAN
(to RADAGAST)
You tell me that is not prison lingo!
SOPUH
Saruman, please!
SARUMAN
(sighs)
No. No hard salami today, Tom. Probably for those hobbits though, but anyway, today I thought we could make a lovely garden salad with some wild berry garnish.
TOM
A salad crisp with a nice big berry
Is sure to make Tom feel quite merry!
SARUMAN
And speaking of Merry...I hear you are...acquainted with the hobbits...
RADAGAST (VO)
Saruman! Cooking! Not pervy banter!
SARUMAN
Fine. Tom, please rinse the lettuce for our salad...and I...shall TOSS it!
(A pause.)
SARUMAN
I said...I shall TOSS IT!
(Another pause.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Okay...?
SARUMAN
Well. Erm. Anyway, Tom, why don't you tell us a little bit about the hobbits whilst I prepare...to TOSS!
RADAGAST (VO)
(defeated sigh)
TOM
Merry fellows are those hobbits
Full of mirth, joy and...and...
SARUMAN
Hah! Nothing rhymes with "hobbit!" Foiled! Now, I would rather like to know...why you told the hobbits to run naked in the grass.
(A pause.)
SARUMAN
You told them clothes didn't matter...Well, what did they do...when they were...naked?
RADAGAST (VO)
Now Saruman, I hardly think this is—
SARUMAN
Well someone must confirm my suspicions! What say you, Bombadillo?
TOM
(authoritatively, to SARUMAN)
Get out, you Old Wight! Vanish in the sunlight!
SARUMAN
What in the name of Morgoth...I am no Wight!
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh pish.
TOM
(indicating SARUMAN)
From now on I think he ought to be referred to as Saruman the Wight.
RADAGAST (VO)
Hehe, the Wight! It's perfect! But...oh goodness! Just look at the time!
SARUMAN
No! The show can't be over yet....you...you—
TOM
Shut thee up, Old Man Willow!
SARUMAN
(steam pours out ears)
I...hate...you...all.
RADAGAST (VO)
Sourpuss. Oh well. Join us again next week for another great show when we interview everyone's favorite Elven twins! You guessed right! Elladan and Elrohir will be here! You'll have to grab your Legolas Sex Slaves and a remote, and be sure to tune in. Cheerio!
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Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!! by Calaquende
Chapter notes: Summary: In the eighth installment of the show, Tom Bombadil is guest and hilarity ensues.
Note: Good poetry is taken from The Fellowship of the Ring and "The Adventures of Tom Bombadil." The poorer poetry is my own, and it is quite ridiculous.
Another quick note: Thanks all for staying tuned. I know it's been forever since I've updated this, but it's been awfully busy, and I didn't want to write one unless it was going to be good. Quality control. Anyway, thanks so much for sticking with me.
Special thanks to Moriquende for her mad Beta skillz.
